Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. I used to be scared of this birthday, I thought it would make me “old.” But somewhere along the way I’ve found myself not dreading being 30, but embracing my age and being nothing but grateful for what life has brought my way thus far.
I realized this last week when my husband kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday. In the past I’ve been pretty quick to have a laundry list of ideas for him. New jeans, a weekend getaway trip, a spa day, a camera, you name it. But this year something was different. None of that stuff mattered to me. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t abandoned my passion for nice clothes and being a world traveler, I’m in no way a minimalist now, its just that my life feels so full, so complete, that I couldn’t think of a thing that could increase that fullness. I realized that not only do I have the material things I need and want, but more importantly I have all of the good things that I spent the first 30 years of my life searching for. The things that I sacrificed comfort and convenience for. The things that I thought I’d never be able to attain. I have them all now so maybe that makes the material stuff less exciting, maybe it just makes me more content, I don’t know. But my life is full and there is no greater gift than that this year.
I have love. Not companionship, not he gives 50% and I give 50%, real gut wrenching love. Love that gives me a space to be exactly who I am at any given moment with no fear of being judged by my partner, no fear of losing him or the relationship. Just the freedom to be me, messy and beautiful, loving, and crazy me. That love creates a sense of safety and of security that I couldn’t even dream would have been possible.
I have a baby on the way. I’m 36.5 weeks pregnant. Its safe to say I’m in the home stretch. And there are days that being pregnant sucks. Its hard, its exhausting both physically and mentally, but man is it going to be worth it when I hold that little girl in my arms.
I have friends. Not as many as I did when I turned 20, but ones that brighten my life, that push me to be better, that I can count on 100%. My 30 year old friends are so much better than my 20 year old friends (though my friends at the age of 20 could drink my friends and I today under the table. I only miss that kind of partying for a few seconds once or twice a year).
I have family. Lets get one thing straight, they’re crazy, each and every one of them. But I’m kind of weird and crazy too so it works. Besides how boring would it be to have a family that was “normal?” First off that doesn’t exist and secondly my crazy ass family is the most loving, caring, interesting bunch of folks you will meet. They give me good material for random rants and future therapy sessions. I probably should tell them more how much they mean to me because they really do brighten my life. Every day.
I have myself and every day I’m learning to love her more and more. You see in my early 20’s I was so damn insecure about who I was and what my place was in the world. Not to say that I’ve conquered that completely and I’m “over it” because I’m not. Its a daily practice, being exactly who I am with no fear, but its much easier for me today than it was 10 years ago. Every day I’m learning to trust myself more and more. I’m able to remind myself that there is only 1 Heather Osby and she is pretty fucking cool so there is no need to try and be anyone else but her. If people don’t like me unless I’m behaving a certain way or being a certain person then they don’t like me and that’s totally ok, but I’m done censoring myself or molding myself to the situation in order to please people. That doesn’t serve anyone.
So as my 30th birthday arrives tomorrow I’m going to embrace it because life is good. No scratch that, life is fucking awesome. And if you are someone who is sitting here reading this and thinking well good for you, but my life is a mess, I want you to know something. My life is messy too. I don’t have it all figured out, not even close. I don’t have all the answers and often times find myself lost and unsure how to move forward. Sometimes I feel down and I have a really hard time being grateful for all the gifts that I went on and on about above. I feel overwhelmed multiple times a week, its normal. My best advice is to figure out what you’re grateful for and keep that close to your heart. Be kind to yourself and when you’re feel like things are a mess know that its totally normal and that doesn’t mean that you aren’t doing a good job or you aren’t worthy of an amazing life. You’re just human and you’re having a moment… This too shall pass.
P.S. This whole 30th birthday thing has really got me thinking. Thinking not only about what I’m grateful for, but thinking about who I am and who I want to be. So I’ve done the only thing I know how to do, I’ve written about it. To read my 30 rules to live by click here.